Guess who's back.

So it's been a while, huh?

I've been busy with life. Yeah it surprised me too, i have a social life.. sort of.

I've been feeling so bad about abandoning my responsibilities, and abandoning you my fellow reader. i am sorry i failed you, but i'm back on track.

Sitting here, sipping my herbal tea at 10pm on a Sunday evening, it feels nice as it was raining today and the smell of rain is lingering in the air.. yuuum. Do i have a smell fetish or something? hah
I just love smelling things.

Saturday was truly a lot of fun. One of the best days I've had lately.
In the morning i met up with Trevor and her sisters to watch Paddington Bear in the outside cinema. To be honest i've never been to an outside cinema before, i had to choose; watching Terminator Genesys in a cinema (which i've been really looking forward to) or watch paddigton with Trevor.
I chose Trevor. And it was worth it.

In the evening I went to a campfire my church organised in the Epping Forest. It was so cool, like honestly I didn't thing i would enjoy it that much.

Me trying my hardest to take a selfie without a front camera on my phone.

I helped gathering wood for the fire (which consisted of trying to walk past a field of giant stinging nettles in shorts),spent time on some intense badminton sessions and occupied the swings so children couldn't go on it.. muahahah.

Derpy selfie while collecting wood.

Ok here's a quick description of what happened as soon as we arrived:
Agata: *Sees a small slide near the swings, but also notices 2 kids playing on it*
Agata: "Pawel, hold my things I'm going on the slide and i will be right back"
Pawel: "Dude, no you're not." *tries to hold me back but fails*
Agata: *Runs towards the swing like she's completely lost her marbles*
Kids: *notice me but avoid eye contact*
Agata: "Hi guys! can i have a go after you're done?"
Kid 1: "yeah.. but you're big.."
Agata: "So? Please just once?"
Kid 2; "but.. this slide.. it's broken so you can't go on it."
Agata: *laughs under breath* "C'mon guys, allow it. I wont take long."
Kid 1: "Fiiinne."
Agata: *slides down* "weeeeeee."*runs off*

Here's a banana i have successfully "baked" over the fire.

I ended up falling asleep at 2 am.
When i woke up this morning, my muscles were really sore. But none the less i was content.

Peace out.

just a lil' explanation.

Don't worry I'm alive. I haven't been posting for a while, but honestly my thoughts are all over the place.

I am just a shaky mess, my heart is beating unbelievably hard against my rib cage to the point it hurts a little.

I wish i could explain everything. I just don't seem to find the right words.

Why do i do this to myself? why do i push people away?

I forcing myself to believe people are better off without me, that i'm simply a bore and that i am not needed.

Wonder why i don't write back to texts or answer your calls? It's not that i don't want to talk, it's actually the opposite. I just, things just pile up and i shut myself out. I don't want anyone to feel obliged to sink down with me, i don't want sympathy, I don't want to worry you.

i'm so sorry.

Peace out.