I'm so tired of everything, I'm tired of feeling this way.. it's nearly 4am here.
I can't seem to get myself to sleep just yet.

Dear Trevor,

I am sorry for not trying hard enough to get in contact with you.
Everytime i miss a call from you i tell myself i'll call back in the evening when i am free, but i either forget or begin on doing something else.
I promised you we'd stay in touch but i never knew it would be this difficult.
The fact that i had 2 assignments due in this monday was not helping either because i literally spent everyday evening working on my poster and then during the weekend i worked on my final submission for the essay.
I called you today.. you didn't pick up. Hope you're not mad at me or anything because that would be the last thing i want..
I miss you. Like a lot.
I miss having you by my side whenever i need to talk..
I am so proud of you! you're a research assistant.. like wow! that's great :)
Glad you're settled in with all those nice people, i check your blog almost everyday.. dont think that i forgot about you or anything. It's really not like that at all.
I'm just kind of going through stuff at the moment, so much to sort out.
They finally scheduled my payments for finance but it's not really enough to pay for my accomodation.. like i'll probably end up working during december.. thank god for overdraft.
I hope you are well, and hope you're not finding uni challenging (probably not as you're the legendary Olugbemi Moronfolu xD)
I promise to get in touch soon.

Love,
Bob.

Entry 8: Money issues.

I still haven't gotten my finance.
Money's tight, I am deep in my overdraft and if I don't get money now on the 10th of December I will be over my limit.
I don't work, I would love to but it's so hard to do.
For now I just rely on my parents.. I cant be doing that for long.
I owe them so much money..
I just want everything to be over, I want things to be fine.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
I'm so GLAD I'm seeing them on Friday.
Funny story actually (by funny I mean it made me cry for a good 5 minutes straight)
I booked the wrong flight.. of course you cant cancel the flight with the airline I was using.. Just my luck I guess.. I feel really crap for doing this to them and not checking thoroughly.

Peace out.

Entry 7: Losing myself.

When you're settling down in a new place its easy to get busy with your own life.
Its easy to forget what you're all about, you easily get caught up with the crowd.

It feels like I'm losing myself.
Maybe that sounds harsh but it really feels like I am just slowly breaking apart.
The older I get the more I realise how corrupt todays mentality is, the more time I spend with people my age the more I realise how messed up teenagers are these days. It's really sad to stand by and watch it all knowing they don't see anything wrong with it.

What happened to my morals? what happened to my beliefs?
It's almost like I don't know myself anymore.
Who am I?

Peace out.

Entry 6: Getting a grasp.

I feel much better than I was feeling during Entry 5.
I always considered myself to have a thick skin and not at all an emotional person.
That was until I was maybe 15?
I feel as if that image completely shattered during end of Year 9/ start of Year 10 due to a difficult time I was having.
I definitely started crying more often and more openly.
It's good in some ways, I don't bottle it up as much.. I mean I still do bottle things up but it all comes out quicker if that makes sense and I'm more open to talk about my feelings than I used to be.
Unfortunately it's bad under every other aspect; like as time goes on I let things get to me more and more.

However I feel like I can overcome that, everyone has their weaker times.
I feel like this period in my life is a moment of weakness as well as growth as a person, a sort of journey of self discovery.

Gotta get back to work now, reflective report due in on Monday..

Peace out.

Entry 5: Late night entry.

I'm sorry I always turn to you when i'm feeling miserable, who else do I turn to?
Everyone somehow has bigger problems than me, everyone was somehow in a worse position than me, everyone has issues so why should they listen to mine?
We're like half way into the first semester and I'm already in such a state.

Let's just say I never experienced an anxiety attack at night until now, nothing quite scared be like that.
There's too much to think about.
There's too much overthinking.
There's too much ignoring some facts..
Took me longer than usual to calm down, I completely forgot about the breathing exercises.
I reached for the laptop and this is where I found myself, I know im not a regular blogger but I never forget.

I don't know what my life is now, just as I begin to think I have it all figured out I get screwed over.

Peace out, hope your night was better than mine.

Entry 4: Family matters.

I don't think I ever saw this coming, I'm really missing my family.
I miss that bunch of odd people that helped me shaped who I am today.
I miss the constant arguments over who showers first, I miss family meals the most.
I miss doing odd jobs around the house.
I miss shopping in Sainsbury's with my parents.
I miss family trips and outings.
I miss Peter's obnoxiously loud laugh (often heard when a very dry joke is being thrown around), I miss our conversations about things you hear about in the news, I miss our morning arguments while making breakfast.
I miss spending time with Pawel, I think i realised how much I missed him when I Skype called him one day. I remember feeling really upset and literally 10 minutes into the conversation I laughed so hard, I didn't even remember laughing like that since I came to Edinburgh. It's great when you have someone with whom you can be yourself.
I miss my mum and my dad, people I look up to. They have been through and achieved so much in their lifetime. They have taught me so much and I would not swap them for anyone in this world.
I aspire to be like them one day, I don't want to waste my life doing pointless things.
I want to make something of myself.
I feel really bad for not spending enough time with them before I left, it was such a busy time.. That of course can't be undone.
I can't wait to see them in December, I already know that I must make the most out of time I spend with them.

Peace out.
Cherish your family while you can.

Entry 3: My new home.

I think I came to terms that Edinburgh is my new home, I have accepted that this is where I will be living for the next 4 years. God knows what I'll be doing after I graduate it's too far into the future for me to actually think about now.

I have also come to terms that people will come and go,
"life doesn't stop for anybody".
I am fortunate enough to live with people that are a great deal of support, people I can always turn to with problems, people that I get along with. I imagine it's going to be even better the further the time goes into the year.

I always liked being independent, I always liked to be alone. I found this really good quote recently from a book completely forgot about, here it goes:

I don't know how much longer I can keep going without a friend. I used to be able to do it very easily, but that was before I knew what having a friend was like.

Stephen Chbowsky, The perks of being a wallflower.

Peace out.

P.s: Have you guys heard the new Passenger album?? It's definitely worth a listen.
I think this album is what gives me hope for the future, makes me feel at home.. does that sound weird?

Entry 2: Fairly Local.

At the moment I am experiencing the strangest feeling.

Most people have been through this, it's seeing traces of your old life in a new place.
Staring at empty walls, walls you're not familiar with.. yet this is your new home and there's nothing you can do about it.
Knowing that life will never be the same as the one you were leading up till now.
Having nothing but strangers around you.
I feel a little alienated when the only contact i have with loved ones is through the phone, not even being able to even touch them.

Don't tell me that things are fine, i don't feel fine.
Things will be okay eventually, i know that much.
Its just not okay at the moment.

Peace out.

Entry 1: Start of something new.

Starting your life over is never an easy thing, no one said it would be easy to adjust to completely different way of life.
Especially when you have to start over alone.
I'm currently studying Biomedical Science in Edinburgh, look how far i've come. I still remember writing blog posts after my little episodes of self hate and mental breakdowns because i thought i wont make it.
I am here today, i am here and it's not easy. But i know i will get through it.
Even if that means leaving people behind, even if that means leaving my life behind.
All of the memories are held dearly close to my heart, all those fantastic people i've met along the way will always mean the world to me.
Well, life moves on.
I'll meet even more people, make memories i didn't dream about before because everything is just ahead of me.
Uni is just the beginning.
Moving to a new country, being independent.
Geez, living on my own. I always awaited the moment, yet i never had the courage to actually work towards it. It's funny what life throws at you.
You just gotta keep on going, keep on swimming child.
This Friday, it's going to be 2 weeks that i've been living on my own.
This city is amazing, the architecture is beautiful and the history of this place is literally fascinating.
The landscapes..oh the nature.. the hills..i've always dreamt about living in a place like this.
Truth be told; there's quite no place like London.
That will always be my home, that will never change. It's where i grew as a person and you can never quite forget places that shaped you as a person.

Goodbye for now, or shall i say.. Peace out.

Currently in Poland on holiday, I'm thinking.. I should totally do like a new chapter on the blog once I start uni in September.
You know, write about the experience.
I think that will be fun.

"You're always stressed out about everything, I don't get you." -Pawel

It was long overdue that i download the Lilo & Stitch soundtrack, i finally remembered to do it.
I do not regret anything.

It just gives me life :D i can't really explain it, i just love everything about it.

Look at me doing coursework so early into my half-term, need to type up the last question for chemistry and i'm done for today.

Peace out.

p.s: my parents signed me up for gym, im so excited for tomorrow morning! i'm going with my younger brother, he's going to be my gym buddy. My parents can thank me later for getting him out of bed before 8am.

27/05/1998

So i just turned 18.
It's funny because i remember writing a post about being 16 or so and back then i thought i figured everything out.
Well i was wrong.
I have changed, i have developed as a person and i have pretty much very little actually figured out.
I don't mind to be honest.
The future scares me slightly less these days, like i told myself : "whatever will be, will be."
I am looked after, i have people to trust and lean on when in need, I'm not alone.
Life will bw fine, i will eventually see where i am going.


My mum woke me up today just before 10am and started talking about how i was born and how i was as a baby and even though i heard the stories a million times before, this time it was different. She mentioned details she hasn't told me before.
Like the fact i had to be taken out 2 weeks before the due date as her blood pressure was really high or she told me about the time they took me home from hospital and in the morning they thought i was dead as i didn't cry when i woke up. (i rarely cried as a baby which was a great contrast to my older brother).

Dunno that was random.
I am pregnant with my birthday cake, i has so many sweet things to eat it's sickening.

Peace out.

I'm guessing it's been long enough, I'm sorry. I tried to update a few times but each time I actually wrote something down my finger hoovered over the backspace button and soon enough the post was blank.

I thought that would be the case with this but its not.
I forgot how much blogging means to me. My audience is not large, to tell you the truth it was never meant to be in the first place.
Yet seeing other people read my posts (or shall I say life fails) makes me feel happy, I have let you guys down.

I just wish everything was over and I could get some peace. I can't wait for summer holidays, no more stress.

I have missed updating you on little funny things that happen to me during the day, I promise to update you. I promise to write at least twice a week (at least during this final stage of college) obviously during the summer holidays im gonna have more time which means more time for going out and more time for writing about it.

As for now I just need to destress a bit, it's bloody hard when all you wanna do is cry but I'll try my best.

Peace out.

Throughout this half term I spent more than enough time hanging out with my younger brother.
I accepted the fact he's as annoying as ever, yet I think he's one of the few people I can do weird crap infront of and not be judged.
Let's just say that I'm never bored around him.

As he's growing up I can really see myself in the way he acts and thinks, I'm really glad he's reached a point where he tries to be a better person and just overall matures.

Peace out.

I love the smell of burnt matches.
It reminds me of burning wood at a campfire, like this summer at the beach at night.
It reminds me of burning leaves after autumn in Poland, in always used to just sit with my grandad and we would watch the flames engulf the crinkling leaves.
It reminds me of all of the BBQs we used to have in summer with the family or just family friends.
It reminds me of burning notebook pages in my garden.

9:30pm
Mum's coat over my pjs
Wellies on feet
Hair down
Earphones in
walking under the night sky in the streetlight
Jumping in puddles
Twirling on the empty streets
Cats in window
Foxes in alleyways
Smile on my face

I don't like posting depressing things onto this blog, whenever I write a post like that I just delete it instead of actually publishing it.
You know one of the worst feelings in the world?
Losing interest in something you once enjoyed doing.. Honestly I don't know whats wrong with me lately, I recently got back into reading books but it takes me more time to finish a book as I just don't pick it up after putting it down. I just sit and stare at it.
Another thing, art in general. Art was always something I turned to, what am I without it? Its not that I don't like it anymore, it's like my body can't be bothered ..
Artist block is torture, it's a feeling where you really want to do something but you're physically/mentally unable to do it. It doesn't comes out right or you just stare at a blank piece of paper until you decide you've had enough.
I'm gonna go sleep..
It takes me ages to fall asleep lately, it's not good. I need to fix that.

Peace out.

Midnight strolls on the beach is probably one of the best things in the world.

Just the cold wind and the freshness of the water, just me walking on the rocks.
It's just beautiful.
I even used my torch to see where I'm going, that made me feel like I was a part of some kind of detective book.
Trying to solve mysteries...
Got back home at 2am and literally fell asleep as soon as I sat down on my bed.

Happy Easter people!
Peace out.

Today was the last day before easter holidays, I think I really needed this.

Tomorrow I'm heading south, outside London.
We haven't been on a family trip in a while, I love travelling outside london. It's like leaving the stress behind and experiencing freedom, focusing on the place itself the moment you are in.
Gotta wake up early tomorrow so I'm off to sleep.
Got my music ready, got the panda ready. Let's do this!
Peace out.

My Tuesday night:
Me sitting at my desk wearing my dad's Santa PJ T-shirt (in March), drinking coffee and staring at the screen, trying not to fail at life.
I have a physics test tomorrow to which I haven't properly revised, like I made a summary sheet but thats about it.
(Will probably read over it on the bus to college)

I went downstairs and had a chat with my mum, she went to the GP because she messed up her knee like 2 weeks ago. She thought the pain would go away but now she can't walk properly she decided to go.
The doctor signed her up for a MRI scan, and when she said that I got slightly excited as we recently covered how that roughly works. I told her to bring me the images if she can as I want to see how it actually looks.
She asked: "but why..?"
Me: "I like that sort of stuff"
She just gave me this 'OK then' look and I laughed.
She might have to have an operation, she told me they might have to replace the meniscus in the knee joint.
I was literally on the phone for 10 minutes solely for the purpose of researching about it all.
She told me not to worry.. But I'm the sort of person that does the opposite of what I'm told when it comes to these things.

Hope your day went well.
Peace out.

I had a nap today, time well spent.
My dream was weird though, but that always happens when I'm really tired.

You know when you're having a relatively good day and then you read something and you just start thinking about it, the thought would not go away and you're just stuck in bed thinking about life?

Yup, current mood right there.

Saturday morning, got out of bed just before 9am hit the clock.
Came downstairs while the other 2 were asleep, my parents were already in the livingroom talking in their PJs.
We had breakfast together, I always feel like an only child when that happens.
I actually like moments like this because they treat me like I am one of them, it sounds weird but I feel as if they trust me with some topics more than they trust my siblings.
So 2 conclusions from this morning:
1. I was making tea for all of us, mum wanted blackcurrant tea and dad wanted lemon tea. It's funny how I made myself blackcurrant tea with some lemon juice without realising.
2. My parents made up their mind about Scotland, they decided we'll move.

Peace out.

I was thinking about today since Monday, Friday is freedom day!


We had chemistry today, 4 experiments on rates of chemical reaction.
Wasn't as bad as it sounds as I quite like doing practical work.
Practicals are even better when you partner up with someone that knows what they're doing and gets on with work fairly swiftly.
It wakes me up in the morning, gets me moving.
I get up is at 6:05am as we start at 9am (trust me that's at the very end of a roughly slept week which doesn't help), it gets to a point where I sleep on buses from and to college.


I complain now, but I know I will miss this. I will miss going to college as much as I miss Copland.
That's part of life I guess, life just moves on and you follow.


We're currently in physics, I finished my work so we're allowed to do something other than physics but i'm done with psychology and biology so I might start chemistry.


After this lesson Amelia, Christian and I are going on an adventure and that's probably the highlight of my week.
(apart from Tuesday when dad bought doughnuts, that was real good. Even though after eating 2 I felt really bad.)


I really need some sleep, I feel like each Friday is a milestone for me.
I feel relieved when I get home with the thought I survived a whole week at college.
After all, what's life without a little bit of struggle?


Peace out.

Me being me.

So I embarrassed myself today, good times.
I was trying to do like a high kick and next thing I know is I'm on the floor. Regular thing for me to be honest, just plain old embrassament.

I decided that I should start bringing a book with me to college, just in case I experience a moment of boredom.
Today in the morning, on the bus to college I was reading 'the shock of the fall'.
I have previously read it once but I remembered it as a good book so when I had an opportunity to buy it I didn't think twice.
This book actually touches me on a personal level, like I had tears running down by cheeks which meant i could hardly see what I'm reading.
It's usually hard for me to get into a story but this one is just so gripping that I do this thing where I think about the characters and the plot even when I don't have the book in my hands.
I forgot how amazing reading is, I didn't have time lately for reading which is so sad as in year 10 and 11 I was like a book vacuum. I literally read 5 books at a time and finished them all within days, that might explain my low GCSE grades. I wish I revised.. I guess that it's too late now.

Peace out.

So i don't think i told you guys but my parents are considering moving to Scotland.
They've been talking about it for a consecutive 4 days now. (yes, i count stuff like this)
Today my dad & I were downstairs in the living room, me sitting opposite him drinking tea.
He takes a sip of coffee and turns to me saying : "You know, it looks like we're leaning more towards the leaving London option". I nodded and didn't really give an audible response.

I know i shouldn't think about it all just yet, i have one more school year left here.
It's really hard not to think about the future if that's all they talk about lately.

It's not like i don't want to move, i always wanted to live in a place like that.
But i don't want to leave all of this behind, it's like leaving my life behind to be honest.

Moving house means a new beginning; new friends, new surroundings, new everything.

I need to get back to coursework, just wanted to get these thoughts down somewhere quickly.
Peace out.

I think things are generally looking much better lately, college is not going that bad.
I'm just a little bit worried about next year... other than that everything is good.

I came to a realisation that I think i need to trust myself a bit more.
I need to learn to depend on myself and stop depending on others so much.
I feel as if my happiness relies on people other than me, and that shouldn't be the case.

I'm quite happy with the person i am at the moment, a few changes won't hurt though.

Peace out.

Im slightly upset by the fact that i missed a twenty one pilots show it was in london and the tickets were like under 30 pounds, what is really sad is the fact that the next time they come to Great Britain is at the end of august for the Reading/Leeds festival.. whyyyyy the tickets are just mad expensive too..

I need to do my work now.. Physics is a pain lately, i just don't know what to do to be honest. I really try to like and understand it, but it's just not something i am good at.
The teacher is a nice person, like im not saying she's not but she picks on me soo much and honestly i haven't heard a good word flow out of her mouth when talking about my work or me for that matter. It's always something negative, it's kinda getting to me when i know it shouldn't. It's just you put all this work and effort in and she just crunches it up in front of your eyes and tells you that you are dissapointing her... okie that's it. My chest feels slightly lighter now.

Peace out dudes.

What would I do without music?

Current fave: 'Beneath the skin' album by Of Monsters and Men

It just makes me feel so many things, does that make sense?

I'm kinda feeling down and that's the only thing keeping me going at the moment.

Goodnight.

I just realised that i haven't posted a rant in ages..
It's not like i'm trying to say that my opinions are in the right and everyone who disagrees is in the wrong though. Let's just say for all those who disagree, this can be an approach from a different perspective.

I hate it when people are condescending towards others,  thinking that you're better than a person is bad enough but assuming they would not understand or would not know about something based on your prejudiced beliefs is actually the worst.

People who look down at others, or people who put themselves first in every situation actually disgust me.

You're here for not a long time, average of about 81.5 years in the UK.
(that would mean that i have approximately a quarter of my life already behind me, yes i took a minute to calculate that as i am extra)
So just take that time and try to make other people smile, treat them with respect make their day pleasant.
Even showing interest in their life could mean a lot, a simple "How are you?".
I don't think treating people kindly is a lot to ask, whereas it makes a big impact.

I am not saying i am perfect, i have moments where i am rude or show disrespect but there is a difference between working on improving yourself and not wanting to change your behaviour.

Peace out,

Today wasn't even bad, in fact I really liked today.
We had pizza and some family time, which is rare nowadays as everyone is usually busy.
I called Grandma, she's feeling fine so at least that's going okay.

I'm currently in bed, my chest feels heavy and just tight for some reason. My eyes are probably bloodshot and I'm just here in the dark wishing I wasn't here.
Wishing I was nowhere..
Peace out.

Insignificant facts about my life incoming:
Half term is over and looking back at it all it went really fast.
I noticed that every time I went outside of my house I would trip up at one point or another, I wish I was joking but I'm dead serious.
Even when the half term is over, today I was walking home and my feet didn't disappoint me.. I tripped on a completely flat surface.
It's like I'm prone to accidents or something, it's gotten to the point where i recover really quickly and don't even give it much thought until someone points out that I tripped up.

Peace out.

Sometimes i think about myself..

It's sort of this thing where i don't really know who i am.

A couple of posts back i wasn't happy with who i was, i thought i changed and didn't seem like myself for a while. I literally stopped behaving like myself.

That has fortunately changed but when do i know that i am myself again?

After all, life is about constantly discovering yourself and what you are capable of.

So like right now I'm at the beginning of this long journey, and even though i went through stuff earlier on that really shaped up the person i am today; this isn't even my final form xD

My views change, opinions change and my perspective changes.

My thinking changes.

The further i go, the easier it is to cope with certain stuff as i gain experience.

I can tell right from wrong.

All i can do for now is accept who i am right this moment and strive to be a better person.

Peace out.

So my parents went to Scotland leaving me and my brothers at home by ourselves.

I feel as if experiences like this bring us together, like we have to depend on each other for the weekend and i think that's a nice change.
Having no parents around the house means i can sing twenty one pilots songs out loud, which is pretty darn cool if you ask me.

I also found myself shouting 'Lipid membrane' to Pawel, yup gotta let that frustration out.

I'm feeling better, although as soon as i woke up i wanted to literally disappear.
I'm slowly trying to work through things right now, like i just need to sort myself out.

Peace out.
P.S: have you noticed that i haven't been putting titles on my posts recently? like what's up with that?

Dirty hands
Muddy shoes
Twigs in hair
Cold air fills my lungs
Good company
'Borrowed' boats
Thin ice on the pond
Losing track
Finding the way..

All I want to do is sleep but lately even sleep isn't enough for me.

If today was so nice why am I feeling this way?

Half terms are always really uncomfortable for me.
Sure, you have education-free days where you don't have to get up at ridiculously early hours to attend classes that are not necessarily enjoyable.
But I just can't help feeling really isolated, or wanting to be isolated for that matter.
At one point I just give up and stop caring about anything, I think today was the day.
I actually hate my thoughts sometimes, and it's not like I can stop them when I want to. You have to distract yourself and when they come back you have to push them away some more.
Until eventually hopefully you forget about it when you're busy.
I made plans for tomorrow and Friday as that is the only cure for this mysterious condition I am in.
 Spending time with friends always improves my mood.

Peace out.

I love the little things, details make me happy.
I was making myself tea today, for some reason I chose a tall clear glass.
When stirring the tea I noticed a dancing tornado inside the glass, I pressed my nose onto the glass for a better look and I stirred some more fascinated.
Once the honey dissolved and the tornado calmed down I thought about all the little things people miss, all the thrilling things that people take for granted.

Peace out.

I was a shooting star today.
I was walking home from college and i was just randomly staring at the dark sky.
No clouds, just clear night sky.
At first I noticed Orion's Belt, I practically didn't look where i am walking.
I got to the white bridge and spent a good 5 minutes appreciating the view, I love this place at night.

I continued to walk, during cold weather i am sometimes too cold to take out my headphones so i just walk in silence.
I usually think about what happened throughout the day, or day dream; that depends on my mood.

My thoughts focused on a particular moment during the day... let's

I happened to look up at the sky at the exact moment a star fell from the sky, it was like a short ray of light which then disappeared into nothingness.
I don't think you understand how happy that made me, i could experience such an unexpected beauty for the first time in my life.

Peace out.

I guess it's time, i have a spare minute.
I had quite the break in posting, haven't i?

Let's just say that everything is going rather nice so far, 2016 hasn't failed me yet.
I feel as if everything is working out for me lately,
I'm putting in effort in college,
I have 4 offers from universities,
I have amazing friends,
A cool bean that is all i could ever ask for,
A supporting family, have i mentioned they found out about my 'secret dating'? They bombarded me with a thousand of questions about him, i could literally see in the corner of my eye Pawel having the time of his life as my parent squeeze information out of me.

Sometimes it's just good to take a step back and live in the moment.
I felt like spending some time by myself today, after we had guests over in the morning i ate my breakfast at like 1 pm and decided to do some coursework, it felt good.
Accomplishing something feels really good.

I'm helping my mum cook chinese today, should be fun.

Peace out.

P.S: Rice noodles are life.

She sat there staring at her bedroom wall.
Her head buzzing with thoughts,
that soon turned into silence.
Even with that knot feeling in her stomach,
She felt numb.
She felt nothing and everything at once.

But she knew that won't last long, it never does.

Peace out.

I've been feeling happy again, sure not everything is going as planned but that doesn't bother me as i feel at peace.
It's nice to feel like this once in a while.
Even though college stresses me out a bit too much these days and i have too much work to do, i don't feel opressed.
I have amazing people around me and life is just really nice.
Now back to my biology assignment...

Peace out.

where the dead lie, i feel alive.

we made our way up the hill to see a laminated piece of paper with a red 'murderer' as a heading,  below that a photo of a man with a scar running across his eye.

he jokingly said: "okay lets go now" turning around and starting to walk downhill.
"no wait, it's fine" i laugh under my breath and pull him along
we continue walking down a slippery alleyway, and reach the cemetery.

we walk in circles as im trying to remember where the perfect spot is. i used to come here often at the beginning of college, when everything was so simple.

we reach the old church, and sit down. the view is there, it just doesn't feel like i remembered.

a woman passes by saying hello, apparently it's a popular spot.

then it hits me, instead of up we have to make our way down.
the fact that mud was everywhere didn't help, i would love to go there in summer or when it gets a little warmer and see the trees in bloom.

we sat down on a wooden bench with an amazing view over houses and hills, the pain was worth it.

it was really calming, like we were detached (or should i day tached xD) from everything else going on and focusing on us.
it was a nice change of scene.

in other words, my day was awesome.

peace out dudes.

My Sunday morning.

sunlight rays hit my eyes from the gaps between the curtains and wake me up.

i decide that today is a perfect day to go out and spend the morning on my own.

it was one of those crisp mornings that look nice but feel freezing.
i made my way to the isolated park and sat on the morning dew speckled grass under the tree.
i open the book and enter another world, a reality that i am not part of yet feel mentally engaged in the events that follow in it as the characters are so alive.

i sat there for quite some time, my cold fingers gripping the pages inhaling the chilly air.

enjoy life.

peace out.

Sleepy head.

i sleep way too much lately, it's kind of this thing where i don't know what to do with myself so i just kinda wrap myself in a blanket and wait for sleep to take over.

I guess i needed that after being tired all the time. I'm going to be productive and do my biology refferal today, i need to get a grip when it comes to coursework.

i can't wait to buy the book, im not taking Pawel with me because i sort of need some alone time right now.

Peace out.

Uni, here i come!

So like, im super happy.
I'm so happy i could hug Sohaila! (my physics teacher)
I sent off my uni applications on Wednesday aaaaanddd...
I got 2 university offers so far (one unconditional) and i'm still waiting for the remaining 3, i honestly didn't think i would get any due to sending it off really late.
Well, past the college deadline anyways.
It just feels like everythings working out for the moment and i couldn't be happier.
Can't wait to tell my parents.

Peace out, life's good.

The point of no return.

I haven't written anything proper in a while so i guess it's time for that now.
Whenever i post from my phone the posts are short and very informal in some way, but when i sit down at my desk and open up my laptop i feel like my posts have a different feel to it.
I'm just going to dive straight in.

I fear the future, i fear being left behind and pushed away.
I fear of being a disappointment, not being enough.
In general fear and self-doubt have taken my life over for a while.
The start of this school year was the worst time for me mentally, especially with everyone talking about UCAS and just future plans.
I felt like bursting out in tears whenever someone mentioned next year, people around me had life figured out and then there was me.
I felt useless and just plain incapable of achieving anything.
Being clueless about your future is the worst feeling i've come across, honestly it gets you paranoid and just over-thinking every decision you make.
These kind of feelings faded a bit now, it's not as bad as it used to be.
is it because i have given up? is it because it's gotten to the point where i don't care anymore?
I don't know, but what i do know is that i am fed up of feeling so pathetic and fed up of crying so much as it's very emotionally draining and makes me feel so fed up with myself.

You have no idea how long it took me to put this into words, i haven't mentioned everything as i don't feel as if now is the right time to talk about it.

Enjoy your day (or night in my case), peace out.

life is good.

you know when you just have those great people in your life and you're just thinking:
'what did i ever do to deserve you?'

it's just insane how happy i am at this point, everything just feels so put together.

I'm going to post later today, peace out for now.

Feel Good Inc.

i honestly am so blessed with the people in my life.
seriously i feel so happy and full of life, i just love people you know.
i rarely have this type of mood but since yesterday morning i've felt so much better.

side note: i've had an amazing day.
the amount of junk food i've eaten today is unreal xD but it was worth it as Trevor is like my all time fave person to eat custard doughnuts with.

i better get to writing,  time is running out and i have so much stuff to do.

peace out famalams.

golden treasure chest.

yesterday i wasn't feeling too good, i honestly was so tired of everything.
i skyped the dork and that made me feel better.

today was different, i had 7 hours of sleep but i woke up refreshed for some reason.
it was my mum's birthday so we went out to a coffee shop and spent a good hour drinking coffee and taking as a family.
after that i went to hobbycraft, i had tears in my eyes because the store is just so beautiful everywhere you look is just art and craft heaven.
i bought gold paint and a small treasure chest i can paint.
it's time for some DIY and i already painted it over with the first layer of paint, it looks good so far.

isn't it great when you find something that actually calms you down, you just let your brain focus on getting something done and you just forget about everything else for a while.

im thinking about keeping my letters in there but im not sure yet.

i hope you are good, peace out.