Dear Trevor,

I am sorry for not trying hard enough to get in contact with you.
Everytime i miss a call from you i tell myself i'll call back in the evening when i am free, but i either forget or begin on doing something else.
I promised you we'd stay in touch but i never knew it would be this difficult.
The fact that i had 2 assignments due in this monday was not helping either because i literally spent everyday evening working on my poster and then during the weekend i worked on my final submission for the essay.
I called you today.. you didn't pick up. Hope you're not mad at me or anything because that would be the last thing i want..
I miss you. Like a lot.
I miss having you by my side whenever i need to talk..
I am so proud of you! you're a research assistant.. like wow! that's great :)
Glad you're settled in with all those nice people, i check your blog almost everyday.. dont think that i forgot about you or anything. It's really not like that at all.
I'm just kind of going through stuff at the moment, so much to sort out.
They finally scheduled my payments for finance but it's not really enough to pay for my accomodation.. like i'll probably end up working during december.. thank god for overdraft.
I hope you are well, and hope you're not finding uni challenging (probably not as you're the legendary Olugbemi Moronfolu xD)
I promise to get in touch soon.

Love,
Bob.

Entry 8: Money issues.

I still haven't gotten my finance.
Money's tight, I am deep in my overdraft and if I don't get money now on the 10th of December I will be over my limit.
I don't work, I would love to but it's so hard to do.
For now I just rely on my parents.. I cant be doing that for long.
I owe them so much money..
I just want everything to be over, I want things to be fine.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
I'm so GLAD I'm seeing them on Friday.
Funny story actually (by funny I mean it made me cry for a good 5 minutes straight)
I booked the wrong flight.. of course you cant cancel the flight with the airline I was using.. Just my luck I guess.. I feel really crap for doing this to them and not checking thoroughly.

Peace out.

Entry 7: Losing myself.

When you're settling down in a new place its easy to get busy with your own life.
Its easy to forget what you're all about, you easily get caught up with the crowd.

It feels like I'm losing myself.
Maybe that sounds harsh but it really feels like I am just slowly breaking apart.
The older I get the more I realise how corrupt todays mentality is, the more time I spend with people my age the more I realise how messed up teenagers are these days. It's really sad to stand by and watch it all knowing they don't see anything wrong with it.

What happened to my morals? what happened to my beliefs?
It's almost like I don't know myself anymore.
Who am I?

Peace out.

Entry 6: Getting a grasp.

I feel much better than I was feeling during Entry 5.
I always considered myself to have a thick skin and not at all an emotional person.
That was until I was maybe 15?
I feel as if that image completely shattered during end of Year 9/ start of Year 10 due to a difficult time I was having.
I definitely started crying more often and more openly.
It's good in some ways, I don't bottle it up as much.. I mean I still do bottle things up but it all comes out quicker if that makes sense and I'm more open to talk about my feelings than I used to be.
Unfortunately it's bad under every other aspect; like as time goes on I let things get to me more and more.

However I feel like I can overcome that, everyone has their weaker times.
I feel like this period in my life is a moment of weakness as well as growth as a person, a sort of journey of self discovery.

Gotta get back to work now, reflective report due in on Monday..

Peace out.

Entry 5: Late night entry.

I'm sorry I always turn to you when i'm feeling miserable, who else do I turn to?
Everyone somehow has bigger problems than me, everyone was somehow in a worse position than me, everyone has issues so why should they listen to mine?
We're like half way into the first semester and I'm already in such a state.

Let's just say I never experienced an anxiety attack at night until now, nothing quite scared be like that.
There's too much to think about.
There's too much overthinking.
There's too much ignoring some facts..
Took me longer than usual to calm down, I completely forgot about the breathing exercises.
I reached for the laptop and this is where I found myself, I know im not a regular blogger but I never forget.

I don't know what my life is now, just as I begin to think I have it all figured out I get screwed over.

Peace out, hope your night was better than mine.

Entry 4: Family matters.

I don't think I ever saw this coming, I'm really missing my family.
I miss that bunch of odd people that helped me shaped who I am today.
I miss the constant arguments over who showers first, I miss family meals the most.
I miss doing odd jobs around the house.
I miss shopping in Sainsbury's with my parents.
I miss family trips and outings.
I miss Peter's obnoxiously loud laugh (often heard when a very dry joke is being thrown around), I miss our conversations about things you hear about in the news, I miss our morning arguments while making breakfast.
I miss spending time with Pawel, I think i realised how much I missed him when I Skype called him one day. I remember feeling really upset and literally 10 minutes into the conversation I laughed so hard, I didn't even remember laughing like that since I came to Edinburgh. It's great when you have someone with whom you can be yourself.
I miss my mum and my dad, people I look up to. They have been through and achieved so much in their lifetime. They have taught me so much and I would not swap them for anyone in this world.
I aspire to be like them one day, I don't want to waste my life doing pointless things.
I want to make something of myself.
I feel really bad for not spending enough time with them before I left, it was such a busy time.. That of course can't be undone.
I can't wait to see them in December, I already know that I must make the most out of time I spend with them.

Peace out.
Cherish your family while you can.

Entry 3: My new home.

I think I came to terms that Edinburgh is my new home, I have accepted that this is where I will be living for the next 4 years. God knows what I'll be doing after I graduate it's too far into the future for me to actually think about now.

I have also come to terms that people will come and go,
"life doesn't stop for anybody".
I am fortunate enough to live with people that are a great deal of support, people I can always turn to with problems, people that I get along with. I imagine it's going to be even better the further the time goes into the year.

I always liked being independent, I always liked to be alone. I found this really good quote recently from a book completely forgot about, here it goes:

I don't know how much longer I can keep going without a friend. I used to be able to do it very easily, but that was before I knew what having a friend was like.

Stephen Chbowsky, The perks of being a wallflower.

Peace out.

P.s: Have you guys heard the new Passenger album?? It's definitely worth a listen.
I think this album is what gives me hope for the future, makes me feel at home.. does that sound weird?